A nurse’s lesson on grace

Photo by Katie Moum on Unsplash

It appeared like I had my life discovered. I took my dream job as a nurse in primary care. I had finished treatment for thyroid cancer, accomplished my DNP, and was starting a postdoctoral fellowship. Life was great and I used to be excited to construct my profession. I had no idea what challenges I’d face.

Unexpected personality change.

I even have all the time been a laid back and quirky person. When I wasn’t working, I could possibly be found sewing and crafting. I’m level-headed and do not get upset easily. Then my usual calm demeanor began to alter; I began to get upset and offended about things that would not normally trouble me. My thoughts became a loop of negative comments: “You’re not good enough,” “You don’t fit in,” “No one really likes you,” “Everything would be better without you.”

I slowly began to feel physically unwell. I used to be drained, and never normally; no amount of rest would alleviate the fatigue. I had a tough time getting away from bed every morning. My body was sore and stiff, and each muscle ached. I used to be consistently freezing, even in the summertime heat. I felt a nagging, throbbing headache and my hair was falling out.

My thoughts were foggy and my rational pondering was clouded by depression. I assumed I used to be hiding these feelings, however the people closest to me noticed changes in my mood and personality. When people tried to assist me, I became defensive or offended.

The university where I studied decided to feature my work of their graduate magazine. I did the interview and smiled for the photos, but I used to be afraid of what people would think in the event that they really knew what was occurring in my head. The loop of negative thoughts became louder and harder to disregard: “You’re a fraud,” “You’re a failure.” That day I made a decision it was true, that every little thing could be higher without me. I noticed these thoughts weren’t right and decided it was time to face the truth that something was incorrect as a substitute of pretending every little thing was fantastic.

Simple adjustment.

After admitting to myself that something was incorrect and discussing it with the supplier, it didn’t take long to discover the issue. I wasn’t mentally unstable; as a substitute, I had low thyroid hormone levels. My previous thyroidectomy and post-op tests resulted in me needing a dose adjustment of my medication. I got the suitable dose of medication. Adjusting your thyroid treatment is a slow process, and it takes about six to eight weeks in your hormone levels to alter. Gradually, I noticed that the fatigue disappeared and the loop of negative thoughts was replaced by goals and plans for the longer term that I finally felt I used to be able to.

I managed to complete the diabetes education project I began throughout the scholarship. Completing the project was a victory for each my patients and my recovery. This allowed me to develop recent skilled partnerships which have enriched my profession and grounded my collaborative nursing practice.

Lingering shame.

As a nurse, I knew the textbook symptoms of hypothyroidism: fatigue, hair loss, dry skin, and constipation. Although I never knew what an impact hypothyroidism could have on someone’s mental health. I’m all the time grateful to the individuals who supported me during this difficult period. Even though my negative thought loop had been silenced, I felt ashamed of my behavior during this time. I used to be afraid that I had damaged relationships beyond repair and that I’d all the time be judged by my darkest days.

You never know what challenges others are facing.

As my life began to return together just like the quilts I used to be sewing, I noticed that I also needed to offer myself the grace that I’d give to others. You never know what challenges others are facing. Those who seem “difficult” may most need someone to consider in them. In some cases, there may even be an underlying physiological cause that nobody has yet recognized. Through this experience, I learned that you would be able to truly draw strength from the darker periods of life.

Angela Occidental, DNP, APRN-CNP, FNP-C, is a family nurse practitioner in rural Ohio.